“He won’t leave my thoughts. I am always thinking about him. I can’t go on like this.”
“He is still vicious. I need help. I’m losing my mind.”
These are the types of things people tell me even after they have left or have decided to leave a toxic relationship. Narcissists leave chaos wherever they go: panic, anxiety attacks, fear, a sense of dread or helplessness are the gifts they give. Not many understand what you have been through and it can be lonely journey you are on.
Maybe he or she really is physically gone. But you are left with the remains of a shattered life or someone who won’t stop stalking you emotionally. He – or she – continues to call, email and remind you how useless and no good you are. And you think about this constantly – over and over your mind is filled with thoughts of what has been done to you. This is rumination. Think of the thoughts as planes circling an airport. Then, remember this: “It’s time to land those planes.”
Your narcissist will not change but you can. It may take a while, but he does not have to take up space in your head. Imagine you have teflon clothes. Put them on and let the abuse bounce off you. Grab the pain before it strikes: “Oh, here comes lies and accusations from him. I can handle it if I can see it and boy, do I see it.” This is not something you say to the one bothering you; this is something you say to yourself. This is self talk for self preservation. Choose your words carefully.
Self talk is your way out of the chaos and hurt. You’ve been through trauma and you need to do what you need to do to heal. Label the abuse – it defuses its strength. But remember: don’t engage in a fight even as you get stronger. This will set things back.
This is a quote from Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D. –
“Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. They lie about their net worth so they don’t have to part with alimony or child support. Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret.”
Many, many of you have been through this and are hurting. Some of you are hurt in other ways.
SURVIVING a RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST
1.Why any argument with him always leads to him being the ‘damaged party ‘ and you feeling beaten without ever having even opened your mouth
I can’t recommend this enough if the number of recent emails from people asking for specific strategies is any indication of the amount of need out there.
If you need to get out of misery, to thrive and survive, I strongly recommend you take a look at this.